A lot of wrong people will tell you about their wrong favourite Christmas movies. These people will also inform you of their wrong reasons why their wrong movies are their favourite. In case you hadn’t noticed. They are wrong. This is because there is only one acceptable answer to the question of which Christmas film is your favourite and it is: Jingle All the Way. It’s possibly the most important element of the holidays, if I’m honest. I love Christmas and I love Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Arnold Schwarzenegger commands festivities throughout this holiday juggernaut. The magic of greed and inferiority through failed asset acquirement springs from the screen! It’s the kind of motion picture that will leave you feeling confused, astounded and a little awkward. Very awkward in fact as you are thrust right up in Arnie’s face as he struggles to operate a jetpack! You may not believe in Christ but by the end of this movie you will believe in one thing: That it is Turbo Time. The following is an entirely true plot synopsis not exaggerated at all…
Arnold starts off as a deadbeat dad who appears to love business more than his family but judging by his son’s haircut I cannot blame him. Next he tries to prove that he is not a bad dad by fuelling the capitalist pig-dogs and buying a cheap plastic toy at an extortionate price. The toy, however, is sold out. This is because the toy is Turbo Man: the greatest toy of all time (within the universe this movie is set). Then we have a cacophony of mishaps and blunders as he attempts to buy this toy everywhere he can. All within the regular time window that is usually allocated for this sort of Christmas toy plot point. Long story short he doesn’t get it but then decides to become the toy. He becomes the fucking toy. He becomes Turbo Man due to complete luck and horrible parade security. Then he fights and defeats a recurring disgruntled postman character who he then gives a Turbo Man just before the aforementioned postman is taken away by the police.
Guess what? That Turbo man will probably be confiscated as evidence so the postman’s child won’t see it. Arnie totally fucking duped that sucker. I still to this day do not know why they didn’t also arrest Arnie as he was as much to blame for all the commotion. After all this turmoil his son say’s something really corny like “Why do I need a toy when my Dad is Turbo Man?” In actual fact the real hero in this movie is his mother who has had to put up with Arnold’s catchphrases, Arnold’s awkward phone etiquette, Arnold putting her son in danger and a creepy next door neighbour who is also Lionel Hutz.
All in all I give it 10 Predators out of 10 (which is the official measure for Arnie films).
If you’re still on the fence: This movie has a scene in which Arnold Schwarzenegger delivers the most vicious hook I’ve ever seen to a reindeer whilst attempting to rob a house.
THE RANGE OF ACTING THROUGH FACE BY AARON STATON
This is my most favorite post in the entire world, someone tattoo it on my face.
*goes to england*
me: excuse me, what time is it?
brit: time wots that m8?
*big ben chimes*
everyone starts to count the bongs on their fingers*
brit: OI IT’S 7 BONG
Bites the Dust
Gold Experience Requiem
Made in Heaven
Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap
Clean as fuck.
So Icey Shenron
The industrial design and choice of palette in FF7 was amazing. I’ll always be disappointed that the pre-rendered backgrounds are so small that I can’t have enormous prints of them.
Found here: http://imgur.com/a/shRaP
A cool but shy guy named Jun walks into the Sakuraki Highschool Fuck Club. “Um…..this is my first time……” he says nervously…
AHOY ME MATEY! HAVE YOU SEEN ME MISSIN’ DOLLAR?